A to B (And All the Way Back Again)

Once upon a time, I wrote a script. In chronological order, this is what happened to it:

1) To start with, read about Terry Illot and the Hammer Films episode here.

2) After that, Marchmont Films got their grubby little hands on it – you can read the full sorry lowdown here.

3) More or less at the same time, this happened (hello Yellow UK!) (I never got those script reports done, incidentally).

4) November 2007, and the script is selected by METLAB for development and eventual pitching to a cabal of investors. After a meeting in January 2008, I launched upon a month’s worth of rewrite and whizzed the new draft over to the truly gorgeous Lucy Vee for comment (Lucy is/was METLAB’s script editor of choice). Notes came back: super! At this stage, I was hoping to get another meeting with both Lucy and John Sweeney (METLAB head cheese) as per the original ‘calling notice’ to discuss potential ways forward. For whatever reason, the meeting never materialised. Wary of putting a lot of work in for no discernible gain, I turned my attention elsewhere (I was mid-way through a tricksy collaboration/treatment; stay tuned for more fun and games on that one at some point). Over the next few months, I waited for a meeting and a plan of action from John Sweeney, but nothing turned up. By now, I was starting to get the feeling that nothing was going to come of this (my sixth sense by now is quite well attuned to episodes of this sort). The project sat on the backburner for several months until I e-mailed John asking him what was going on (and giving him an ultimatum of sorts). I received this in reply. Game over.

5) In February 2008, I got this from an agent at United Agents:

...I absolutely loved it. It is smart and witty and unsettling.

...I’d love to read anything else you might want an agent to sell and I’d love to meet, if you’re still looking for representation.

Er, let’s think about this for a second – yes please!

Then: complete and utter silence for months. I chased up Mr Agent on a couple of occasions - he was always politeness and charm personified, but still nothing doing. Is it worth another chase? Probably not.

(Apropos of nothing at all, United Agents represent Henry Naylor: a couple of friends of mine were on the same Cambridge Footlights revue as Mister Naylor, and had a frankly uncalled for rhyme whenever his name arose in conversation: “Henry Naylor, Henry Naylor; about as funny as Vlad the Impaler.” Honestly, there’s just no need for it (*chortle*)).

6) “Notable Producer X”: I am wary of blogging too much about this at the moment, as I might say something I'll regret (as if that's ever stopped me before).

7) BBC Writersroom: a couple of months ago I got a lovely letter from Writersoom with a couple of pages of notes saying how much they liked the script and inviting me to send my next grand opus in (which I duly did, only for it to come back a month later – they’d already read it, you see. Oops).

Strangely enough, I wrote this in a post on 30th July 2007:

... if you want to know where NOT to send your speculative scripts, then stay tuned – I seem to have an almost supernatural knack for ferreting out production companies for whom procrastination is a profitable pastime...

In a bizarrely circuitous fashion, over a year later I’m back to where I started from - which really does go to show that if you want a successful screenwriting career, keep one eye permanently glued on Unfit for Print. Whatever I do, do the exact opposite: you really can’t go wrong.

Fun with Marchmont Films, part 4

I have it on very good authority (but unfortunately cannot divulge my source) that Marchmont Films is "on hold" for the foreseeable future, and that all submissions have been "dealt with" (mostly I suspect by ignoring them in the hope that they might somehow evaporate).

I suspected as much a few months back when the "film arm" of Bloomsbury Weddings went into a self-imposed meltdown, no doubt buckling under the weight of the final fifteen scripts piled up on their producer's desk. At least I can now stop banging on about it, a process that has become less entertaining of recent months, and more akin to kicking a mangy old dog if I'm perfectly honest.

I'll have to find something else to complain about now ;-)

This Week’s Round of Rejection is Brought to you by the Letter ‘M’.

It’s always good for the soul to get rejections, so I thought I’d run through a few of my most recent failures for your delectation and delight:

Marjacq Scripts: Luke Speed asked for a script a few months back. Well, actually that’s not quite true – one of his assistants did. And from then on, complete silence. I chased Luke recently, and guess what? A deafening silence.

Shall I take that as a ‘no’ then? ;-)

Many Hands Productions: none other than Danny Stack tipped this lot. One beautifully crafted e-mail that adhered to MH's very particular requirements (their 'wants' list read a bit like a kidnap demand), and guess what? More thundering silence.

OK, I’m getting the idea now.

Marchmont Films (aka Bloomsbury Weddings): TonyB kindly supplied this link in which Marchmont want you, yes YOU, to wade through their EU wedding video mountain with a view to editing it down into a 45 minute package that someone’s paid a couple of thousand quid for. However, before you all pile in, bear in mind that you need your own editing equipment and the available funds to pay your own salary (I made that last bit up).

Even so, I’m sorely tempted. Just imagine the fun you could have Fight Club style, editing in screenshots from Marchmont’s website that no-one’s bothered to update since July 2006.

(What is it with companies beginning with the letter ‘M’? I would make a crack here about M standing for monosyllabic, but as these companies can’t muster a three word e-mail between them, I won’t bother).

London Pictures: the only company with the decency to send an e-mail saying, ‘No thanks, not what we’re looking for at the moment.’ And is it any co-incidence that the letter 'L' comes before 'M' in the alphabet? Conspiracy a-hoy (dons tin foil hat) me hearties!

As I’ve written before in previous posts, I seem to have developed some strange script-related abilities:

1. In general, my query letters always seem to get some sort of positive attention (mostly because, I suspect, I don’t write in crayon).
2. After I send prodcos and agents a script, they fall silent for months – this makes me worry, as I start to think that they may have been abducted.

Or maybe there’s another explanation: I read The Information by Martin Amis a little while back, where one of the characters – an avant garde novelist – writes books that give readers instant headaches and/or nosebleeds. In turn, perhaps my work sends agents and prodcos into weird deep space Ripley-esque comas.

Pip pip!

Fun with Marchmont Films, Part 3

The Marchmont saga continues to run and run, with more disgruntled writers piling into the breach on Shooting People. However, a novel reason for their extended silence has been floated by Carl Allport, which is about the most feasible explanation I've heard so far.

I'd have thought that it was obvious what was going on. Come on- script submissions, Marchmont, division of Bloomsbury films, wedding season... It might be worth turning up outside of the church on Saturday and checking the confetti for 'courier 12'...

I suppose we should all just be grateful that it's not being run by Andrex... :)

All I can say is that it makes me feel all warm and gooey inside to think that my script might have helped some happy couple complete their day...

Fun with Marchmont Films, Part 2

Those naughty people over at Marchmont have been at it again. This from the Shooting People, Screenwriters Network mail out, issue 3081 (thanks to James for the tip off):

"Not demotivated exactly, Marchmont... From: Louise Bentinck Pennington

I felt the usual sympathy for Andrew Thackeray with regard to the ‘non-responses’ he has received for his script submissions and, as usual, thought ‘that’s part of script writing’. However, read this and see what you think –

“Thank you for submitting your script material to Marchmont Films (18 April)… I am pleased to inform you that it has been recommended to our producers for final consideration.

Although we are unable to comment on the likely outcome, we do feel that it is an exceptional achievement to have reached this stage and would like to express our sincere appreciation for your writing work.

Our producers will obviously be considering this against other recommended projects, but will endeavour to advise you personally of the outcome within approximately six weeks.”

I think I could be forgiven for actually anticipating a response of some kind at some point, but no, not even a ‘thanks but no thanks’.

I decided to contact Marchmont direct (last week) and Andrew Cussens in particular (he emailed me when I was short listed), and discovered it was virtually impossible to reach anyone at the company until I went through their ‘website form’ and finally received a reply back from someone called Iris No-Name (no offence, Iris), who proceeded to email the standard gumpf about ‘not taking any projects further at the moment…’

Frankly, I’m surprised that a production company like Marchmont with a good reputation would behave in this way, particularly as several of the production team have writing backgrounds themselves and know the score. However, perhaps there is a good reason for this ‘non response’, but having taken me thus far and shooting themselves in the foot with the phrase “will endeavour to advise you personally”, even a ‘personal email’ would have sufficed.

Part of Life's rich tapestry as they say. In the meantime, best of luck to all you scribes…"

Worry not, Louise, the wedding season is almost over!

Fun With Marchmont Films

Back in the vague mists of 2006, you may recall a Feature Script Invitation thrown out by Marchmont Films. Myself and hundreds of others all piled onto their online submission form and battered them silly with loglines and sample pages. Memory fails me, but I must have done this around the end of July 2006, as I received an automated message stating that my entry would be reviewed by their ‘team of readers’.

By the time they emerged from the logline pile last year, I received this email on 26th October:

Thank you for submitting your script material to Marchmont Films.

I am writing to inform you that your entry has been reviewed by our script readers and has now been successfully recommended for further consideration. I am therefore writing to you to request that you now send us two bound copies of your full script.

Upon receipt of your full script, it will be read by our senior developers who will consider its potential against our original script brief. We shall contact you to notify you of the outcome of this within approximately 8 weeks.

OK. Two bound copies of the full script in the post - tick in the box. I can’t say that I’m massively excited at this point, but at least things seem to be moving in the right direction.

January 2007 comes round and I’m getting a little keyed up (no news is good news, right?). So, I drop Marchmont a line. No reply. Fair enough, I guess. My wife tells me to call them. I check the website, no contact number – unless you discount this one of course – 0800 234 6368.

So, on 17th January, I give them a call. Despite protestations that they only ‘share an office’ with Bloomsbury Weddings, I got the following e-mail within half an hour:

I just had a call that you have tried contacting us - I apologise, but we have been very busy and get 100's of emails! (Your script) will be read in the next few weeks (we only finished reading the 608 entries last Friday and yours is one of 23 selected). I expect to be able to come back to you in 6 weeks at the most.

I experience a pang of guilt (but only a tiny one ;-)) for burdening them with further workload when they are so obviously drowning under a landfill of scripts. Suitably chastened, I go back to banging randomly on my keyboard in the hope that something of undistilled genius will somehow materialise.

On March 12th 2007, the following email arrives:

Thank you for submitting your script material to Marchmont Films.

I am writing to inform you that your script has now been read in full by two of our senior script developers. I am pleased to inform you that it has been recommended to our producers for final consideration.

Although we are unable to comment on the likely outcome, we do feel that it is an exceptional achievement to have reached this stage and would like to express our sincere appreciation for your writing work.

Our producers will obviously be considering this against other recommended projects, but will endeavour to advise you personally of the outcome within approximately 6 weeks.

By this point, I feel as if I am trapped in a never ending circle of Reader’s Digest Prize Draws, where the dubious Tom Champagne breathlessly informs you that in order to be considered for the grand prize, you have to purchase books with titles such as ‘A Spotter’s Guide to M25 Roadkill’, and ‘Etch-A-Sketching for Fun and Profit'.

A few weeks later, I chase Marchmont again (just for the fun of it, you understand) . I receive the following on 19th April:

Hi we are nearly finishes (sic) reading so you should hear something in the next couple of weeks.

Yeah, whatever! The website hasn’t been updated since July 2006, so I guess there isn’t a lot going on in the world of Marchmont (apart from those cinematically themed weddings of course).

At the end of May, I chase them a bit more. This is becoming almost fun now in a gruesome kind of way, and I do it purely because I feel I have to rather than the fact that anything interesting is going to come out of it. Marchmont subsequently goes into deep slumber mode, and I consider ringing Bloomsbury Weddings again – however, I’m already married so I’m not sure what I’m going to say if they offer me the ‘Director’s Package with live webcasting’ (here’s that number again in case you missed it first time round: 0800 234 6368).

After hassling one of their development executives, on 17th June I receive the following email:

Apologies for not getting back to you sooner, however we are extremely busy at the moment with several projects and strategic developments. (Your script) is one of about 16-20 scripts which made it through to the producers desk, but I am afraid you will have to bear with us for further progress. In the meantime, we appreciate you may want to pursue other avenues, so please do not hesitate to keep us informed.

OK, so nothing happening any time soon.

From initial ‘pitch’ to date, it’s been nearly a year. I don’t really have an opinion on this, as it’s entirely up to Marchmont as to how they spend their time and money. Getting a script read in the UK is hard enough – getting a script read by someone interested enough to do something with it is obviously going to be harder still.

Since the great Marchmont showdown kicked off, I have received two consultants reports on the script and undertaken what I think is a relatively successful page one re-write. I informed Marchmont of these facts. They responded with another email, as follows…

Just kidding! They didn’t respond at all. But, as above, that’s their prerogative. And good luck to them. I would no doubt do the same in their position.

As for the genesis of my poor, neglected script, that will be the subject of a future post. It’s not such a frustrating read as the above (but I’m working on it, believe me). Suffice to say, if you want to know where NOT to send your speculative scripts, then stay tuned – I seem to have an almost supernatural knack for ferreting out production companies for whom procrastination is a profitable pastime!

If you happen to be in the same position with Marchmont, drop me a line – perhaps we can form some kind of mutual support group (either that, or a suicide mission). Don’t forget that elusive number – 0800 234 6368. Tell ‘em I sent ya!