Monday, 10 September 2007

Piling on the Badness

AHOY ME HEARTIES, THERE BE SPOILERS AHEAD, ARRR!

My nephew has crash landed at Chipster Towers and it looks like he’ll be here for the next few months whilst he attends a Photography course at Northbrook College. There’s just one problem – at the tender age of 18, he is already a connoisseur of some of the most godawful films ever made. What’s more, he has them all on DVD and he’s going to force me to sit through each and every one. For the love of god, nooooooo! (this is the same person who made me sit through Outlaw. Think that’s bad? I’ve got to sit through Shooter and The Butterfly Effect 2 at some point. Zoiks!).

For the record, he’s already forced me to watch the following…

Crocodile – not exactly Tobe Hooper’s finest hour. Made on a budget of about twenty bucks, this really has to be seen to be believed. On second thoughts, don’t bother.

Fantastic Four – well, that’s two hours of my life that I’m not going to get back. For all the sturm und drang, there are merely two action set pieces in this movie – yup, that’s right – two. The rest of the movie is taken up with an excess of exceedingly tiresome back story, which means that Doc Doom (the sole bad guy) doesn’t show up until ninety minutes in. Sheesh! Even the tweakalicious Jessica Alba isn’t enough to stave off stultifying boredom here.

However, all that said, the first big action set piece contains a scene that proves this theory. Ben Grimm (the Thing) has just saved the day by rescuing a bunch of firefighters on a half wrecked New York bridge. Due to an outbreak of coincidence (or Screenwriter's Contrivance as it's uncommonly known), the other three members of Team Fantastique are on the bridge as well. And if one coincidence wasn’t enough, here’s another – Ben’s fiancé shows up as well. As a cheering throng crowns her fiancé a hero, she removes her engagement ring to signify that her and Ben are no longer an item – the perfect example of coherence being sacrificed for (supposed) emotional impact. What’s wrong with letting us have both, eh?

Later on, Ben kindles a relationship with a blind artist – coupled with the bullshit moment on the bridge, the only thing I took away from this film is the fact that without drop dead gorgeous good looks, you're nothin', baby - get over it. Utter hogwash.

2Fast 2Furious – utter bollocks.

The Fog (the dreaded remake) – for pity’s sake, why ruin a perfectly decent movie like John Carpenter’s The Fog by remaking it? What’s the point? Incidentally, in the history of incoherent narratives, this one really does indeed take the biscuit – the ending is quite literally mind bending to the extent that you might even think you’re hallucinating (and not in a good, drugs related way).

Hannibal Rising – the major problem here appears to be the fact that Thomas Harris has adapted his own novel for the screen. I can categorically state that, having seen the evidence, Thomas Harris is no screenwriter.

Hostelpuh-lease.

Stigmata – just make it stop. I don’t care how you do it, JUST MAKE IT STOP!

Saw, I, II, and III: snore. Wha...? I dozed off there for a second. Soz.

Taxi (the remake, featuring Queen Latifah - although that said, the French original wasn't much cop either) – saints preserve us.

Texas Chainsaw Massacre – another dreaded remake. The original is superb. But this? Do I really have to go on? What makes matters worse is that there's another two films in the box set to go.

In return, I’m going to make the little blighter watch Hidden, and Last Year in Marienbad, That’ll teach him!

9 comments:

Hristomir said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Chip Smith said...

Wow - I had no idea you could get spam left as a comment.

My solution? Delete the bastard!

Jon Peacey said...

To quote Lewis on discovering Morse's first name.... 'You poor, poor sod'.

Hasn't Hooper already done a Killer Crocodile film (Eaten Alive) and doesn't it sound pretty similar to the fun/silly/enjoyably stupid Lake Placid? Oh, where did Hooper's talent go?

Stigmata I'll defend on the grounds that I'm a sucker for that whole demon-possession-religion-thing...

...but Last Year In Marienbad? I look forward to hearing you describe the look on his face after the second hour of this rather static/hypnotic/entrancing film.

Chip Smith said...

I enjoyed Lake Placid, as it's not as dumb as it likes to think it is! Whereas Crocodile is just plain bad - that said, my wife really enjoyed it. If you're looking for brain free Saturday night entertainment, you could do worse.

Stigmata - a bit like Nick Love's Outlaw really, the incessantly showy MTV visuals put me off - oh, that and the fact it didn't really have much of a narrative going on.

My nephew is threatening to 'treat' me to the second Fantastic Four film - I think I'm gonna go hide in the shed for a bit...

Lucy said...

You have a wife??

I imagined you as an aged 30ish goth in nail polish with velvet curtains and suspicious chickens in the middle of Brighton. Am I way off the mark??

Chip Smith said...

Way way way way way off! I do have a Bauhaus CD, but I'm questioning the wisdom of that now.

'Suspicious Chickens'? Good name for a band, I reckon!

gabba gabba hey! said...

I saw Bauhaus live at the Music Machine in Camden, and used to have one of their LP's till I sold it.

I remember a band called the Frank Chickens. There was also Atomic Rooster; used to have their 45, *Devil's Answer*, and knew their drummer back in my Willesden bedsit days; guy was a goth way before the term was invented.

If the spam comments become a bore, you can opt for word verification. pip pip.

Lucy said...

no my friend the chickens are suspicious of YOU in case you sacrifice them! ; ) Silly boy...

Chip Smith said...

We seem to have gone down a 'goth and chickens' road here, which I think is eminently more fun than watching that awful Fantastic Four flick.

That said, I used to have lots of Bauhaus records (isn't Ebay marvellous?). And Frank Chickens - Japense weren't they? I vaguely recall them...