AHOY ME HEARTIES, THERE BE SPOILERS AHEAD, ARRR!
My nephew has crash landed at Chipster Towers and it looks like he’ll be here for the next few months whilst he attends a Photography course at Northbrook College. There’s just one problem – at the tender age of 18, he is already a connoisseur of some of the most godawful films ever made. What’s more, he has them all on DVD and he’s going to force me to sit through each and every one. For the love of god, nooooooo! (this is the same person who made me sit through Outlaw. Think that’s bad? I’ve got to sit through Shooter and The Butterfly Effect 2 at some point. Zoiks!).
For the record, he’s already forced me to watch the following…
Crocodile – not exactly Tobe Hooper’s finest hour. Made on a budget of about twenty bucks, this really has to be seen to be believed. On second thoughts, don’t bother.
Fantastic Four – well, that’s two hours of my life that I’m not going to get back. For all the sturm und drang, there are merely two action set pieces in this movie – yup, that’s right – two. The rest of the movie is taken up with an excess of exceedingly tiresome back story, which means that Doc Doom (the sole bad guy) doesn’t show up until ninety minutes in. Sheesh! Even the tweakalicious Jessica Alba isn’t enough to stave off stultifying boredom here.
However, all that said, the first big action set piece contains a scene that proves this theory. Ben Grimm (the Thing) has just saved the day by rescuing a bunch of firefighters on a half wrecked New York bridge. Due to an outbreak of coincidence (or Screenwriter's Contrivance as it's uncommonly known), the other three members of Team Fantastique are on the bridge as well. And if one coincidence wasn’t enough, here’s another – Ben’s fiancé shows up as well. As a cheering throng crowns her fiancé a hero, she removes her engagement ring to signify that her and Ben are no longer an item – the perfect example of coherence being sacrificed for (supposed) emotional impact. What’s wrong with letting us have both, eh?
Later on, Ben kindles a relationship with a blind artist – coupled with the bullshit moment on the bridge, the only thing I took away from this film is the fact that without drop dead gorgeous good looks, you're nothin', baby - get over it. Utter hogwash.
2Fast 2Furious – utter bollocks.
The Fog (the dreaded remake) – for pity’s sake, why ruin a perfectly decent movie like John Carpenter’s The Fog by remaking it? What’s the point? Incidentally, in the history of incoherent narratives, this one really does indeed take the biscuit – the ending is quite literally mind bending to the extent that you might even think you’re hallucinating (and not in a good, drugs related way).
Hannibal Rising – the major problem here appears to be the fact that Thomas Harris has adapted his own novel for the screen. I can categorically state that, having seen the evidence, Thomas Harris is no screenwriter.
Hostel – puh-lease.
Stigmata – just make it stop. I don’t care how you do it, JUST MAKE IT STOP!
Saw, I, II, and III: snore. Wha...? I dozed off there for a second. Soz.
Taxi (the remake, featuring Queen Latifah - although that said, the French original wasn't much cop either) – saints preserve us.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre – another dreaded remake. The original is superb. But this? Do I really have to go on? What makes matters worse is that there's another two films in the box set to go.
In return, I’m going to make the little blighter watch Hidden, and Last Year in Marienbad, That’ll teach him!